I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
