dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
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Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
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