please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
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