A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
We don't watch enough power rangers
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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