I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
