Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Randomize
