He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
Randomize
