hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
