I think i sorta joined a cult last night
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
