I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Randomize
