Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
