I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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