normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize
