God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
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Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
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And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Drunk is not a location!
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
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