the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
