Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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