You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
So much Jack, so little girl.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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