So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
