Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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