You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
