All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I seem to have left my pride at pride
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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