When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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