So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
