Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Randomize
