Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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