Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Randomize
