I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Randomize
