Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
