why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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