remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
