The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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