i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
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