sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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