we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Randomize
