I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
