ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
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