Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Randomize
