She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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