please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
