she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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