You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
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I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize