Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
