I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
