the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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