I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
So vagazzling was a success
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
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