Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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