The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
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four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
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How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize