i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
