How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I just cut my nipple shaving
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
God, I missed his penis.
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