He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
