I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
