wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
