areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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