So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
But, the reference to being horny and then blending a banana is troubling
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
