I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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