Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Randomize
