This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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