I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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