Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
