so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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